Welcome to My Ego's Funeral: Reflection, Regret, and (Just Maybe) a Resurrection...of Love
This is:
A love Story.
A reckoning.
A Body Bag for my Ego.
A hope for resurrection.
She is Love and She is Joy
The Meeting
How I met and Fell For the most extraordinary woman
We met at a party in Chicago.
I wasn’t expecting anything to come of that day — a few drinks, maybe a new friend or two - just kidding. I can't make two friends. Who am I, Oprah?
But more likely, I thought I'd have akward small talk and wish I'd stayed home.
But then I met Isis.
And my whole world shifted.
She was beautiful, she was brilliant, she was hilarious, she was dynamic.
She was absolutely magnetic.
And how did I thank her?
By colonizing her birthday.
We talked for hours.
The kind of conversation that can make you feel like you've entered a private universe for two.
And yes — the physical connection was just as undeniable.
That kind of chemistry might have been a fleeting thing.
Gone with a shift in the winds.
But it was real.
It was sustained across years, across seasons of change, across joys and sorrows and 1,000 miles of distance.
That connection still lives in me.
The Becoming
How we became we
Not long after we met, we went to San Francisco.
And while we were there, she got the most beautiful news possible:
She was going to have a giraffe!
Wait, that was a typo.
She was going to have a BABY.
This was her journey.
An independent IVF path she’d started well before we met.
But she let me in.
I was at the first ultrasound.
I did her pregnancy photo shoot.
I visited, cared for her in the ways I could.
And I had the honor of witnessing - and photographing - the moment she brought her daughter into this world.
And somewhere along the way, I fell in love.
But I had the good sense to keep that part to myself.
If nothing else, we were family.
The Distance
life was lifing
We visited. We traveled. We kept building our bond.
And then COVID hit, and life got heavy.
We were long distance, but never really apart.
We talked every day… sometimes multiple times a day.
Isis was often the only bright spot in my days that were filled with caregiving, stress, and, eventually, grief.
When my dad died, she held space for me. She was kind.
As soon as travel restrictions eased, I went to see her.
And somehow — after more than a year apart —
we were still us.
We picked up where we left off.
More adventures. More laughter. More love.
Then another painful loss: my mom.
But even through that, we were good.
We made it through more than most couples do.
And because we were still strong, still choosing each other, we said:
Let’s do this. Let’s make it official.
The Crash
so wtf happened?
And then...
I let fear win out over good sense, and I let my ego drive the car.
And, surprise, we crashed.
I broke our joy.
I disrespected my wife-to-be. The person who most deserved my care and tenderness.
We were exploring something intimate, built on trust and care.
You asked for something simple. A moment of recognition.
And I kept the conversation going like you hadn’t spoken.
I treated you like an object, not a partner. I prioritized ego over care and respect.
I was dishonest.
I was texting with my ex. It was more frequent than usual. And she was writing my child into her will.
I withheld that information out of fear of conflict and fear of loss.
That silence was a lie.
There was also defensiveness across the board.
An unwillingness to listen deeply, to accept accountability.
Fear as self-protection.
This isn't a full accounting of every hurt, I know.
In each of these moments (and others), I've acted small.
Shrinking from responsibility when I should’ve shown up fully.
There’s no room for that in love.
You must love in a way that makes the other person feel free.
And no one can be free without the truth.
I denied you freedom and held it for myself. A truly selfish act.
That freedom?
The freedom to trust.
To feel seen.
To express yourself without ever having to wonder if I had your back and would prioritize you.
I denied you that. And I see it so clearly now.
A Hope
the death of ego and fear
I have often behaved as though love is about doing the big things right.
Making the grand gesture.
Surprising my wife with an expensive gift.
And don't get it twisted, sometimes that IS what love is about...
especially when you are married to a queen.
But I see now that love cannot not only be expressed in the way that feels most natural.
Or in a way that feeds my own ego. Nope.
It's about expressing it in the language my person understands.
The way that lands with her and feels real and true.
If she can't feel it, it doesn't matter how deeply I mean it.
And it should always be delivered with respect, tenderness, and truth.
Because to love right requires both softness and strength.
Love needs to be expressed in the everyday moments.
It's expressed by choosing vulnerability over self-protection.
By listening to her heart, which she shared with me not knowing I didn't yet deserve it.
Speaking when it matters most.
And honoring her with the truth.
And when you break the joy...
Well, you don’t get to apologize and hope the anger and hurt go away.
You stop. You look at it. Like, really look at the mess and the hurt. And you stand in it.
You find and tell the whole truth -- even when it makes you sick to your stomach.
You sit with the silence and the storm that follows and let it break you down.
Because real growth doesn't come from regret or shame.
It comes from the breaking, stretching you beyond your limits.
And like a muscle, it tears and burns and aches.
And then the rebuilding begins.
If you attend to the pain in the right way, you rebuild stronger, deeper.
More capable of holding love the right way.
I am not asking for grace.
I am working every day to become worthy of it.
You deserve someone who can meet you in hard moments with truth, not silence.
Tenderness and selflessness.
Presence and authenticity.
If this is where our story ends, I will be heartbroken.
AND I will be eternally grateful for every laugh, every lesson, every sweet moment.
If I have the chance to build something stronger with you, with truth at the center and love delivered how it is best received, I will be there.
As long as you are willing to keep the door unlocked, I will never stop showing up for you...for us.
